cosmic_celery

I want to talk about something that has been niggling away at me for the past week or two.

( rambling )

So, my first class of the day is possibly the most depressing and ego-damaging class ever. First of all, there's construction going on to that side of the campus, so the classroom itself, usually open to sunlight, is now contained by a long wooden wall that blocks out all natural light. Down this dark corridor, I walked to the classroom. The classroom itself is plain and boring except for the clock which has inexplicably been removed from the wall entirely, leaving a gaping hole with wires poking out. A different clock (or maybe the same one?) hangs sloppily at the back of the room. This dark and sparse environment breeds despair like none other I've experienced.

Now, I'll confess that I'm outrageously terrible at math, and I always have been. The fun theory stuff, physics and so on, is very interesting, but practically it just doesn't compute for me. Which is why I signed up for this class in the first place. It's an algebra class specifically designed for people who've had trouble in math. This in itself is damaging to the ego. I'm supposed to be brilliant at everything! To even suggest that it might be useful to be in a class that explains things clearer is absolutely preposterous.

But, I thought, I can get past this feeling, and do my best to learn. I was the first person to arrive in class, and as people filed in around me, I did my best to read their faces for any sign of intelligence. Some small sign would have been fine to assure me that I was not alone. But I didn't find one.

Among the crowd was a girl I knew from my playwriting class and, based on the plays she's written, she's not the beacon of intelligence I was looking for. However, she is disabled, and stuck in a wheelchair. Even though she's a very nice person, she makes me a bit uncomfortable. I've always felt that way around people that very obviously can't take care of themselves. I don't know if that's normal or just me, but it does make me uncomfortable, and then I feel bad about feeling uncomfortable.

So, she sat next to me. As class started, six people including her turn in disability forms and a scribe was sent down from the office to take notes for them. It was at that point that my gut clenched into twisted, ego-filled knots that refused to go away. I nearly groaned aloud when the teacher used the phrase "special needs". In my mind, it tried to compensate by taking very neat and organized notes and being clever on the "introduce yourself" questions, but it wasn't working very well.

There was a small war going on in my head, aided by the ego-knot in my gut that went something like:
Ego: You're crashing this class! You don't even have to stay, you could go take another math class! One that's not filled with idiots and disabled people!
Head: I'm sure they learn just as well as I do and this class will be good for me. You're not better than this.
Ego: Yes, I am!

And it went on like that. When the class ended, I went up to him to add the class, and I got the distinct impression that he thought I was a raging idiot. He asked me why I was adding the class and I said that I was recommended to it. He turned, squinted at me and asked "what does that mean?"
I clarified. "By a counselor."
Then he mumbled and gave me an add code.

Good grief.