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Jul. 5th, 2009 05:22 amI had a nice time at my Grandma's yesterday for Fourth of July. I'm not big on symbolic displays of firepower as a celebration of patriotism, but they were pretty. We watched the nearby fireworks display from the back of her place. My favorite was the one that looked like red ash flicked from the tip of a giant, invisible cigarette.
I really like my Grandma. She's an amazing woman, but tonight she totally broke my heart. We were talking about how she and I are both introverted and she talked about something her husband (who died when I was little) said to her once:
"And Pop said, 'Rosemary, I'm a loner, but you're more of a loner than I am. You're okay on your own. You don't need me.' ...I did, though."
And then we went on to talk about something else. God, but that hurts. I'm not good with emotion in general, but I understand that.
I've been pretty disjointed and detached lately, and I'm not sure exactly how to fix that. I don't really do much and I don't do anything with people besides my immediate family because I've not had friends since I left high school three years ago. Usually I'm alright with that since I'm pretty introverted. I can amuse myself and I get my dose of human interaction here and elsewhere, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough.
I really like my Grandma. She's an amazing woman, but tonight she totally broke my heart. We were talking about how she and I are both introverted and she talked about something her husband (who died when I was little) said to her once:
"And Pop said, 'Rosemary, I'm a loner, but you're more of a loner than I am. You're okay on your own. You don't need me.' ...I did, though."
And then we went on to talk about something else. God, but that hurts. I'm not good with emotion in general, but I understand that.
I've been pretty disjointed and detached lately, and I'm not sure exactly how to fix that. I don't really do much and I don't do anything with people besides my immediate family because I've not had friends since I left high school three years ago. Usually I'm alright with that since I'm pretty introverted. I can amuse myself and I get my dose of human interaction here and elsewhere, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough.
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Apr. 26th, 2009 11:20 pmThere's been a serious lack of updates lately, mostly because I've felt like there's nothing worth updating on. Saw a movie for class last week, and my brother visited this week. Mostly, I've just felt like exploding out. Take the bus in the opposite direction. Stay home and don't deal with anything. Run away like I did when I was younger, thought everyone hated me, and hid the entire day in the creek behind the house. Or don't even run away, just run. Run 'till my legs are tired and my breath comes in ragged, quick bursts, like sobbing.
I didn't sleep. I don't want to go outside today. I don't want to do anything for about a week. I want to explore careers that involve slowly sleeping to death.
That optimism I had going a few weeks ago? I'm calling time of death.
Not writing anymore for fear of rambling idiocy.
That optimism I had going a few weeks ago? I'm calling time of death.
Not writing anymore for fear of rambling idiocy.
I am totally unmotivated to do anything right now, least of all the homework that's due today. I haven't been able to sleep nights the past week, I still haven't paid for my classes (one of which I'm thinking of dropping because I'm a lame student), my mother is worrying me more than usual, I still don't know how to drive, and therefore am having trouble finding the motivation to apply to places that probably wont hire me anyway. I'm 20 years old, have done zip nada with my life and I'm feeling a bit in over my head.
